Caprice and Bambi (WS 1.0)

Last night, I checked out the "sneak preview" of "Wife Swap" on ABC. It seems like a copycat show since Fox brought out "Trading Spouses" first, but ABC had it in development first. I haven't seen any episodes of "Trading Spouses," judging Fox by its previous reality programs and labeling it as "probably sensationalistic." Maybe I'll check it out because I liked "Wife Swap." Even if they're consciously creating drama on WS by finding extreme families, it still provides a good basis for conversation and figuring out where you stand on different family issues. It's a nice learning experience for all of us. Now that the episode has sunk in and I've read enough on TWoP to distill some more of what I think, here goes.

A short summary for those of you who didn't catch last night's show: two families swap moms for two weeks. For the 1st week, the family lives by the old mom's rules and routines; for the 2nd week, the new mom gets to change the rules to the way her household runs. Last night featured two women, Caprice and Bambi, "affectionately" referred to by some online as NeatFreakMom and SlobMom respectively. Caprice cleans the house for 5 hours a day (OCD behavior), everything is immaculate and their house has no noise whatsoever. My initial reaction was that the cleaning thing was over-the-top but probably due to OCD, but the no-noise was a little weird. Bambi, on the other hand, has 25 pets, lives in a filthy house with pet feces and ungroomed animals everywhere. The kids looked dirty and are undisciplined, as they want to be their children's friends and not parents. Bambi insists the house is a "home," as if explaining the mess through that definition, and that her house is full of love, unlike the other house. I did not want to set foot in her house; I can only imagine how it smelled. The husband works and also does all the housework; what Bambi does besides think herself a goddess is unknown.

The swap happens, and Bambi does a few things that I think are good for the OCD house. They are more spontaneous, the husband plays the guitar, she gets them a fish, etc. But she also got them a kitten - that's good because one son wanted one, but why bring in a pet if you don't know if they'll keep it? She also had a party for all the neighbors with dogs! She seemed genuinely nice when she was helping the other family. However, when it came to herself, she said the experience taught her that she liked herself more than ever before - meaning nothing would change - and she seemed kind of thickheaded when it came to that. As if she could learn nothing from the experience because her way is the only right way to raise children with love in a home filled with love. (And feces and dirt...)

Caprice cleans Bambi's entire house, tries to start disciplining the kids, gets them a dining room table, and does the most controversial thing all episode: she sends 22/25 animals to an animal spa for the week so that she could de-clutter the house, clean, and show them what it's like to live another way. I had no problem really with the animal send-off; it was drastic and I can see how people might be upset, but those 25 animals didn't look like they were doing so well in that house. Maybe their time at the animal spa might be even better for them. They were ungroomed, not clean, and who knows if they were even taken care of properly. With 25 animals and not even 4 adults in the house, it seems close to impossible to maintain a safe and healthy living condition. There's a 2 year old running around a house that has animal poop on the floor. Bambi gets home, starts cluttering up and putting things on the floor, complains about the dining room table being there, and basically goes right back to her old self and her old ways, as if the only purpose of this experiment were to show other people how they should be living and not have any effect the opposite way. She wants to be her children's friends, her house is not dirty but a home, and sending the animals to an animal spa for a week is like sending away children. Hmm. I can't agree. Caprice goes home, keeps the kitten and it really seems like their family is changing. Someone got something out of this experience, and it wasn't Bambi. Caprice might make lots of lists and be a control freak, but at least she was willing to change her ways for the better.

It drove me crazy that someone would do this experience, to teach them more about their family and their life, and get nothing out of it. Not just not get anything out of it, but not to be receptive to any of it. I understand that she was pissed that Caprice said that her house was filthy and that she got rid of the animals, but that's not an excuse to just ignore anything good that could come of this. It should be about what was said, not how it was said. One of the most interesting exchanges between the two went as follows (paraphrased):

Caprice: "You're not a parent to the kids! You're just a friend!"
Bambi: "We are parents! We clothe them, we feed them, we give them somewhere to live..."

I didn't think providing basic means of survival was considered parenting. Yes, it's important to provide those things for your kids, but just because you provide for them materially doesn't mean that you're a parent. What happened to guidance, discipline and learning?

Another interesting aspect of last night's episode (besides the animals, cleanliness and philosophies on parenting) is mealtime. While Caprice's family seemed to have a regular mealtime, Bambi's family seemed to eat anytime anywhere. They didn't have a dining room table until Caprice got one for them, and the kids seemed to really like the idea of eating together as a family. To me, it seemed crazy that people wouldn't have a table and that families wouldn't eat together on a regular basis, but after reading multiple people's stories of how they grew up eating whenever and not together as a family, I guess it's not that odd. I'm just used to everyone eating together and making it a priority. At home, unless my dad was going to be out late for something, everyone ate dinner together at the same time. It was just a given, unless someone was late and then dinner was saved for them on the stove and everyone else ate together. I guess it's so deeply instilled in me that it didn't really occur to me that family mealtimes don't happen as much anymore. It's kind of sad. :( I feel like that was good time where people could bond. I guess a lot of people nowadays eat in front of the TV than together as a family at the table, but I guess we lasted as long as we did with a single dinnertime because we ate together at the table with the TV on. ;-)

The kids in Bambi's house seemed really undisciplined. The kids really saw themselves as equal to their parents. Now, as an adult, I often find myself slipping into that mentality, but I think it's different when you're an independent adult and when you're a teenager. A parent shouldn't have to consult with a teenager about every household decision before they can do something. A parent should also be giving a 2 year old daughter a bedtime instead of letting her stay up running wild at her teenage brothers' sleepover until whatever time of night.

The show made me feel both good and bad about my own living situation. On the one hand, I'm not Bambi - my place may be cluttered (and I'm still unpacking), but it's not dirty, and there is a fundamental difference there. But on the other hand, while I don't want my house to be as clean and sterile as Caprice's, I don't want it to be as messy as it is now. It was sort of an encouragement to get things a little more tidy. :)

So, for anyone who has made it this far, I'm curious:

1. Any stories about animal houses like this and how kids turned out afterwards?
2. Do you think parenting is more than just providing the "basics" to children? Is it better for kids to be disciplined or should parents be their best friends jumping around on the beds with them? Can there really be middle ground here?
3. If you saw the conditions of the animals, do you think it was right or wrong for Caprice to send them to the animal spa to be cared for that week? Is your opinion influenced by the fact that you have animals or don't?
4. Did your family eat meals together on a regular basis? Or just on big holidays like Thanksgiving?
5. Did you watch Wife Swap, and if so, are you going to watch again?

I saw some of the families for upcoming episodes on Oprah, and am looking forward to seeing how all of this plays out. :)

Now that I've wasted a good deal of time typing into the void of cyberspace, I should probably do some homework. The dreaded H word. Today was the first day of school, and it was hard to get myself there. But since pilates, dinner and LAX loom on the horizon, I should probably do some work now. Thank goodness there's only one hour dedicated to TV tonight. ;-)

ETA: I forgot to mention a good point that I think someone mentioned online. Imagine being one of the kids in these households that were on TV last night, and going to school today? Everyone has seen the idiosyncracies of your family on national TV... that's got to be a scarring experience. What if classmates start teasing the kids about having feces on their carpeting? Imagine what neighboring parents think, who sent their kids over for sleepovers there? They should do follow-up shows on how communities treat people after they appear on reality shows. I'd be interested.