Drained

I am completely and utterly drained.

I can't even watch this game with the same level of enthusiasm I usually do. I just don't have the energy, I can't stay awake, my morale is shot (and not just because of the game), and my mood is just so far underground that I don't know when it's going to get back up.

I got so little sleep and it was uncomfortable. I barely made it to class on time. My computer continued to be an obstinate charger. I couldn't focus on accounting because I was so tired and there was a photographer in the room. My shoes hurt.

The second class started with a bang as my computer power cord adapter thingy (when have I ever been precise?) burst open, gave me a small electrical shock, and burned my thumb. Lots of smoke and smell of burning rubber in the air. No computer made class seem 3 hours long. Next class, I use up the 50 minutes of my fully charged battery and then have to struggle to take notes by hand.

At home, I expected my new computer to arrive on time, which of course, it didn't, so now I have no computer for a long day of classes tomorrow. This caused a mini-crisis as I had greatly relied on its arrival and it was nowhere to be found. Considering how much I use a computer daily, not having one is a significant hardship, one which I was trying to avoid.

The highlight of my day has been eating a salad. Woo.

I can't get any work done. This game has been demoralizing. I don't have time for this crap - this series was supposed to be over 2 games ago. I have too much to do to deal with setting aside time for this crap. Too many credits, too many deadlines, too many important exams, too many important cultural events, too little owned technology, too little heart.

Sigh. I just don't care about anything anymore. I hate feeling like this and I haven't actually felt this much stress in a long time. The feeling sucks. If it were just the game, I would be able to tolerate demeaning comments about my team. But since it's everything layered on top of one another, I just can't. And I just don't care.

I need to relax. I need to consciously stop doing work. And I need to stop caring about things that in the long run I shouldn't care about. The numbers of times I've sworn this week with regards to school is unacceptable. I need to not let school bother me. It's going to be one helluva long year if I curse daily about being stuck in school.

And it's going to be a long 4 years if the red states get their way. I just can't fathom how people support a smirking bumbling dumb liar.

And with this post, I've broken my plan of not putting anything personal in this blog.

Is this depression? Is it apathy? Is it burnout? Is it just a really bad case of stress? I don't know what it is, but it has to end soon or else I'm going to lose my mind. I need a night off to just stay in, watch a heartwarming movie, have a good homecooked meal, and lots of happy thoughts. At this point, that just seems like such a distant fantasy.