There. I've said it. The source of most of my problems for the past couple of months. Emotional, mental, physical, all. School. It gives me this dull ache in my soul where half the time, I never want to go back. The rest of the time it's either frustrating or it makes me feel guilty that I'm not working hard or it's a lonely pursuit. In the rarest of times, there's a glimmer of enjoyment or satisfaction or actual contentness.
It wasn't always this way. This year just seems like it's been exceptionally hard on the soul. I'm running out of classes that pique my curiosity; I'm losing the stamina for homework night after night after night. I've been tempted by the appeal of the workplace: actually getting paid for your labor, being able to go home without the weight of all the work-you-should-be-doing hanging over your head, knowing what's expected of you, feeling productive and actually creating for your clients, interaction with your colleagues.
I know there's drawbacks to working and all of the hours of labor and the significant decrease in vacation and "free time" ... but right now, I don't feel as if all my free time during the day is really "free." After all, I'm supposed to be studying, and it would actually require every minute of the day if I wanted to get it all done and done well. At least with work, there's a deadline, there's something set to be done, and then there's always tomorrow.
I'm not going to miss academic papers. I'm not going to miss being lectured on new things (there's always CLE requirements). I'm not going to miss being called on in class. I'm not going to miss being graded and having timed exams. I'm not going to miss lugging the weight of the world around in my backpack day after day getting back pain. And I'm definitely not going to miss homework.
Last night was the ultimate in frustration. I had a crazy attack of frustration where I just had to scream, yell, throw things to make myself feel better. And this was after Pilates class! I just can't take the (mostly self-imposed) pressure. It's the last year. Why can't I just let it go?
After trying to find things to work with on the TV last night, I just shut it off and decided to try to make myself feel better and calmer. (It didn't work for the first 3 runs through the CD, but now I'm into my second day of listening to it, and I feel a lot calmer - for now.) I'm playing "Island Rhythms" on the stereo, and dreaming that I'm sitting by the side of a pool or on the beach with a clear blue ocean set out in front of me. The sun is beaming down, there is a fantastic cocktail in my hand (cran-orange juice mixes do the trick right now), and I'm leisurely working on puzzles and readings. Hopefully I can really get myself into this whole imagery therapy thing. It could make the winter and school that much more bearable. Just pretend I'm someplace gorgeous like Ko Samui or St. Lucia or Fiji.
Ok, I'm done complaining. Instead I'm going to post a list so I can keep myself accountable for what I have left to do, and what I have actually accomplished. I am 25% done with my problem set and 57% done with the first MPRE outline. Dinner is coming up and lots of work on the horizon. Done to the sounds of Island Rhythms, Richard Branson, and that famous Law and Order beat.
On my plate tonight:
4 question problem set - 3 questions left
147 page MPRE outline - up to page 84
There's a lot more, but that's my goal for the night.... wish me luck and send me encouraging messages!!
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