Racing

Ack. Having a little bit of a panic attack over the bar exam. First real one, actually, and I'm not doing a very good job of keeping it below the surface. I felt myself starting to panic in the kitchen making dinner, and managed to mostly suppress it, but having it sitting there beneath the surface isn't doing much for my focus and concentration. Sigh.

There is definitely not enough time left. I may have printed out outlines for all the subjects, but I don't know anything in them. Nothing! At all! I'm completely clueless. I haven't written an essay in over a week, I don't know any rules, I'm still getting a lot of MC questions wrong, and I don't know a thing. *breathe*

And now I'm just thinking about the fact that when I wake up tomorrow, it will already be Thursday, leaving only tomorrow and Friday before I have to get on a plane to go to NY, and when the heck am I supposed to pack? Or even figure out what to pack? I haven't even thought about what I need for the exam, and because I've had to put aside so much time (hours) to make the trip reservations because it's getting so close in time to the trip, I haven't had time to do much of anything. And today was such a freaking waste of my time, because I've gotten nothing done. Well, except for remind myself that my brain is empty. It's not full of bar rules; it's just empty.

And I know from experience that once I get to my parents' house, that's it. I can never get ANY studying done there, because I'm so distracted. By everything and everyone. There really is no place I can get away to study for any decent amount of time, and by the time I get there, it's already Saturday night, so it's not like there's much time left anyway. There's Sunday, which also happens to be my dad's birthday. And there's Monday, where we're not supposed to do anything at night but relax, and when during the day, I have to get from my parents' house to somewhere (don't know where yet) in the city. So basically, once I leave Chicago, that's it. Any studying after that won't be very effective.

[insert expletives here]

This is all my own fault, really. Because it's not like anyone else taking the bar has had any less to do, yet everyone else seems to get it done, right? It's my own fault, because my studying has always been, "too little, too late." Except, unlike law school where everything was open book, this time it actually makes a difference.

Sigh. I am going to force myself to finish off all the NY MCs tonight (I just did abysmally on crim pro - we're talking like 30%, part of the reason why the suppression of the panic is starting not to work), and hope that there's some other subject that makes me feel a little bit better about myself.

What a horrible night.